Dear So and So: The One Handed Typing Edition

I felt compelled to join in with Dear So and So today, but as will become clear I apologise for any wonky spelling I may cause. Or swearing. Or general ranting.


Dear Twat at Wootton Way Shops



You sir, are a prime example of why Slough and Maidenhead are bat shit crazy places to travel. There I was minding my own business and walking back to the Mini. There you were, waiting to park and not needing to move until the other car vacated the space. So why on earth did you wait until I was halfway past your bloody Skoda to reverse into me? Why did you then stop and carry on reversing into me again when I moved out of your way? And finally, why did it take me shouting at you (the first time I couldn’t as it was one of those “wtf just happened?” sheer bafflement moments that render a person unable to speak) until you finally woke the hell up and looked in your rear view mirror?


Now, I’m no flipping expert here, but clearly neither are you, but when one reverses a car, surely the first thing you do is LOOK IN YOUR BLOODY MIRROR? To then causally wind the window down and casually say “oh, I didn’t see you”, then park up and bugger off on your business, well, that doesn’t cut it, as the Police will no doubt have told you by now. Along with telling you, dumbass, that you have sprained my bloody wrist. Thank the lord I didn’t fall down or you’d have run me over completely you twat.


May you never drive again, you total, utter, arse.



Her typing with one hand in bloody pain.


Dear People down at Wootton Way Shops


Seriously? Does no one care in Maidenhead? Now, I know that its not Chatham round here (thank the lord) but if ever there was a time I missed my home town, yesterday was that time.


Not one of you standing around who saw me get hit by Inconsiderate Unable to Drive Skoda Man bothered to ask if I was OK, or to tell him off, or to offer to be witness to the accident. Not one. In Chatham, it would have been the most exciting thing to happen since, well, since the last exciting thing to happen (and trust me, a cone being placed on top of a statue is cause for much excitement in Chatham) and every man and his dog would have voiced anger and opinion. Not here though.


On going to the Police Station to report the incident, the lady who took my statement said she was not surprised in the slightest and that no one actually cares what happens to their fellow resident round here. Nice, really nice.


So, again, thanks for feck all.


Her who got hit by a car but please go about your business like nothing happened.


Dear Olympic Torch Dude


We waited for 2 hours man in the rain. Mini was bored, Littlest kept moaning about missing his little mates. Why did you run through like you were competiting in the 100 metres against Usain Bolt? All that excitement and then massive let down.


Thanks for nowt.
Her with the two moany kids and the bored Irishman who didn’t care either way about the torch.


Dear Mini


Well done on a smashing report. Much better than Mummy and Daddy feared. You rock girlie, keep it up my little star.
Love Oo
Mummy x


Dear Littlest


Likewise, great report son, but the 5am wake ups? Gotta stop that Dude.
Keep it up buddy
Love Oo
Mummy x


Dear Everyone


I have a little competition I’d love you to enter, and its for a good cause. A friendly of Elder’s is helping out with this and I’d love all you to go and see. Its to win a chuffing excellent prize of a Kindle, so its well worth giving them your entry. Its at http://www.suiteam.com/ and the comp is being held until the 30th July by Wolverhampton SUIT. Go on, go enter!


You all rock you know.

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