As a kid, Eurovision was something I looked forward to with excitement. In my house, we’d have lemonade and crisps (trust me, that was a treat, nay an event in our house), and we’d use casual racism against the French, the Germans and anyone else we could think of something mean to say about.
The costumes of the other countries used to cause much hilarity, not to mention the throwback hair styles, and Terry Wogan’s “that’s what I was thinking” style of commentary.
Now it’s different.
I didn’t really bother this year, as what’s the point?
Eurovision has become an exercise in our, frankly ungrateful, Euro cousins deliberately knobbling us into crap places and nil points.
Is it just me, but the amount of bloody cash related scaffolding we give to the likes of these poorly attired bunch should mean that, if we chose to send a random fat guy to go on stage and burp the national anthem, we should immediately win the entire thing, possibly for the next 10 years?
I think this year the other competitor nations all got the collective hump due to the possibility of us sodding the hell off from being part of the Union, and taking away our cash too.
Granted, we sent Bonnie “not had a hit since 1985” Tyler out with a rubbish song, but if we sent Adele or the likes of we’d still lose. The whole idea of Eurovision is to have a crap song. We should win for that reason alone!
Even Wogan got bored and decided to retire. There are only so many Frog jokes you can make. And since Graham Norton, who I love when on anything else, has taken over, he just doesn’t have the same ability to drop in non-pc remarks as Wogan did, and hence the main comedy component has gone.
Not only that, but the other countries have suddenly, well, started to take the whole thing seriously and field actual talented singers with great songs. That should so not be allowed. I want sequins, I want rubbish songs, I want lyrics that, when translated make no sense whatsoever and thus render me in need of help from the floor.
It’s like Simon Cowell has spread like a disease over our beloved Eurovision and made it all proper and great. Except no one has bothered to send us the memo.
Yes, I lament for the good old days when you could boo the acts, point and laugh and be mean to foreigners legitimately Then it didn’t bother if we came second, it didn’t matter as we didn’t have to shell out to host the thing the next year. The laughing at Germans was enough.
So, now, I fear, is the time to say, enough is enough, let’s leave the flammable materials, mullets and questionable lyrics to history, recover our musical snobbery and self respect, and hang up our microphones.
Image: Image courtesy of renjith krishnan/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net