The (Unofficial) Guide to Getting Over the 1D Split By A Former Boyband Expert

Well, have we all recovered from the Invasion of the Middle Class Mummies? Good. Shall we carry on then?

Of course, if you find what I write “lazy, inarticulate or dull” or find my style is not up to the same impressive par as your “ten year old daughter,” thanks for the stats but do naff off eh?

Anyway.

Most mornings, the first thing I do is check the news on my mobile. I like to know of any emerging stories and be on the ball with regards thinking of my next move, post wise.

However, I was filled with shock and horror that, eek, One Direction had announced that they were going on “hiatus” after the release of their next album.

See, I’m no fan of the band. I cannot bloody stand the crap, being that I’m 33 this is probably quite the normal and expected reaction to their chosen brand of pop shite.

No, my fear was of what Mini, my tween, would think. Or, more to the point, what decibels of screams and crying I could expect to be deafened with.

Mini, who has been in this mood since news broke this morning

Mini, who has been in this mood since news broke this morning

I’m speaking from experience here. When Zayn left, she came running upstairs as if she was severely injured, launching herself at me in floods of tears. I had to employ chocolate there. Not only was Zayn her preferred member of her preferred band, he was also the other half (at the time) of her other most preferred member of her second most preferred band, and so she was concerned Perrie may leave Little Mix too.

It put me in mind to my own days, back in the nineties, as a Take That fan, left despondent when they split up just a few short months after Robbie left.

Such was my upset I was allowed to leave my maths class to compose myself when a peer had the news sent over to his pager. (remember those?). I have to admit my own upset probably was dealt with after a sly Silk Cut in the upper girls Loo, but I did manage to turn my devastation into missing a whole double maths period.

Girls, fans of Harry, of Louis, and of the Irish one who looks like he tagged along by accident, oh and that one who was in that video where he smiled for each selfie then went back to looking like a miserable sod, here is my guide to getting over it.

Know That There Are Other Bands Out There

Yes, there are indeed other bands and singers out there, just ripe to take over your teen angst. They even play guitars. Most write their own songs too, all of love, losing a loved one, or generally just being a misery guts.

Bands like Nirvana, who are great for those times you want to slam your door when your parent’s wont buy you an iPhone.

Or The Cure who can go from dark lyrics to jolly beats about Friday being a great day to be in love.

You could go for original Boy Bands that trail blazed, like The Beatles or the Stones – in fact, looking at pictures of them in their prime is almost like looking at Harry!

Or go the other way and fall in love with Janis Joplin. For those of you who loved the catchy, sing-a-long lyrics (that’s a quote from Mini, not me, I still think the lyrics were wank) of Best Song Ever, you can’t beat the actually quite great sing-a-long and definitely not wank lyrics of Mercedes Benz.

See, it’s not all bad, music wise. In fact, it could be the making of you!

Know that Hiatus Means Ten Years and Prepare for it

Sorry to be the bearer of bad times, but, as I told Mini this morning, us Thatters are only too aware of what a hiatus really means.

With Take That, it meant they disappeared for ten years.

Ten years!

Yes, you had a few solo projects, Jason was in some indie film, Gary tried, oh bless him he tried, going from that chubby guy with the bad hair to a buffed God, but he didn’t get very far. Then there was the album where Mark (still forever to be referred to by original Thatters as “Little Marky”) went all hippy on us all and sang about Green Men and all sorts. Howard went off and did some Djing.

I have no idea what Robbie went on to do, apparently he did a couple of albums….

So, dear Directioners, you may want to prepare to bunker down and play on a loop all the albums until which time they run out of cash and decide to come back again.

Look on the bright side, by then, you may have kids of your own who you can foist your former band of choice on,

Know That Your Merch Is Worth Keeping for the Future

Yes, all those books and CDs, dolls and the like, keep it all, don’t cry buckets over it.

Especially the rarer tat from the fan club or tours. Keep the lot safe, because even though one day you’ll look back on your love of Direction and think “what was I thinking?” as you hopefully listen to Janis Joplin instead after reading this post back when they split, these things are collectible.

I still have quite a few bits of my Take That memorabilia from back in the early to mid nineties, and some of it would quite happily go for quite a bit on eBay these days.

Things to keep safe? Autographs, personal pictures, anything which is rare or early.

Don’t Drive Everyone On Twitter Scatty

Please, ladies, every time one of this sodding band farts you can’t wait to go to twitter. I’ve not even logged in today, knowing it will be blanket virtual wailing.

I know I admitted to crying when Take That split up as a way of conning my creepy maths teacher into letting me leave early, but thankfully Twitter didn’t exist then.

I hear there are phone lines open for the very upset. I never got that when my band of choice split.

No doubt this has been timed to coincide with the new series of X Factor, launching this weekend. What’s the betting that a new, improved boy band is found on there, just as One Direction are bowing out to spend all the cash you earned them?

Yes, it’s sad, but go find a dedicated forum for your wailing and shouts of “my life will never be the same agaaaaaain”.

Yes, it will.

There’s always Rixton, after all- and one of them is engaged to one of Little Mix, its almost like they’ll have never left us.

Life will go on, and one day you’ll feel a little bit daft at your school reunion when a few ex-classmates can’t wait to remind you of when you had to leave double maths cos some crappy band split up.

Just remember, if that happens, always come back with the line that you missed double maths down to your tears and spent that time in the loos listening to music with the cool upper girls, whilst they had to concern themselves with an hour odd of x and y and Pythagoras.

That will shut ’em up.

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