No One Will Know, The Scary Stuff I Have Seen…..

….Under my child’s bed.

Jesus Christ people. Just, Jesus Fecking CHRIST.

I’m not talking a little bit of mess. The sort that they warn you about in parenting manuals. Or the sort of thing tidy folk like my lovely sis in law apologise for when there is absolutely not a speck of dust or a thing out of place in her entire house.

I’m not the tidiest person. I do try. I’m not on Kim and Aggie’s radar, with our house, its more a case of what happens when two hoarders of cool, not in any way Hipster stuff lovers move into together, plus two children who love toys and books, and the associated stuff of every day family life.

It is also not helpful that for years, despite it being held together with a prayer and gaffer tape (not even kidding), the last house, with it’s indoor water feature leaking roof and science experiment nastiness was massive. It used to be a shop, so the downstairs living room was the size of, well, a corner shop and you could happily have two gigantic TVs at either end of the room (Elder likes watching films on one via the PC, and I like normal civilian TV at the other), plus several sets of speakers, a big toy box and various Record and book shelves and still have loads of space.

Then we decided to stop putting up with an area I hated and a house that needed to be condemned and move.

Except the new house (or now not so new) is small. Our new living room would fit in our old one about 4 times.

Despite removing several pieces of furniture, and other bits of associated tat, stereo equipment and living with a laptop and one TV (I won that one, its mine after the hours of 7pm), every time we buy more records we lose space.

Of course, our Brats have followed suit in the collect-a-holic stakes.Littlest collects Lego, and anything dog related. He also will not part with his Brio set, and now likes books too.

(Although, if we do have a Lego crisis as has been threatened in the media, Littlest will soon be quids in).

Likewise, Mini collects anything pink, One Direction, books and Teddies. She still has the Teddy family in sections, and to be fair I fail to see how she manages to get in bed these days.

I decided that we are all, clearly, nuts and thus we need a much needed clean out. Elder even sold some of his doubles of records. He even went down to a HI Fi trade in place miles away and sold speakers, and stereo. Alright, he came back with a record deck shelf, but actually that sorted out the hifi quite well. And he may since have bought Tannoys (which he wanted for years and these were a bargain), plus speaker stands. Oh, and a genuine old amp. Yes he’s shit at clear outs.

I got rid of a tonne of clothes and shoes to my friends jumble sale, so that just left the Brats.

Yes, the Brats. The evil, bone idle Brats.

They just have too much bloody stuff. Christmas is coming soon, and frankly, if there was a world toy shortage, we would be sitting on the equivalent of a lottery win in toys. Mini must have at least 30 Barbies alone. Not to mention the Baby Annabel’s that I truly think at nearly 9 she should be keen to charity off.

I have tried locking out TV channels. I have removed bags of stuff and put them in the shed to try and scare them to think I’d given it all away. (That didn’t work. It just blocked up my studio and Mini just found more toys to throw everywhere within two days).

Today, I said enough was enough. I need to clean the carpet, I need to clean the skirting boards and I want to paint the house. They also have friends coming over to play on Monday, so they need to have space for their mates to move.

I made Littlest bring all his toys downstairs- which took an hour alone.

I then helped him go through his Ikea draws (the amount of sneakily hidden sweet and crisp wrappers, well, I now know why every time I fancy a Mini Roll or similar there are never any left).

I have scrubbed the walls, cleaned the skirting and the door frames, as well as his wardrobe door.

I then moved the bed.

I know it’s Halloween but fecking hell.

The bed he has is so bloody heavy, its like the heaviest bed base ever in the existence of bed bases. Its a Divan but it’s solid wood inside in one big piece. So I have to get two of us to move it. I do this at least ten times a year and still, still, every time I do, I curse why I haven’t yet persuaded Elder that buying a Cabin bed with storage underneath is a better idea for his room.

Books, toys, socks, pants, you name it, I found it under that sodding bed from hell. And I hurt my shoulder moving it back.

I have blocked the vacuum with the weight of God knows what was on the floor.

But, I have succeeded, the rot is gone, three bin bags later.

Now, I have two problems.

I have to get the bugger to take the toys he wants (read: all of them, the greedy shite) back upstairs.

I also still have the evil and horror that is Mini’s room, or indeed, making Mini help saved for tomorrow.

At this rate, I shall need a helpline set up and counselling to get over the things I have seen hidden under beds.

I think I would like a Mini Digger for Christmas instead of jewelry this year. Then I can just drive it through the mess and straight to the tip.

Are your kids not fans of tidying or getting rid of old toys? What are your tips? (Other than throwing everything away when they are at school).

Have a good Halloween!