National Bitch Slap Day- You Know it Makes Sense

The 11 Questions post had a great question in it- about why I would make a better politician than the bunch of toffee nose tossers we have now. 

I actually studied Government and Politics for a’level and enjoyed it, and I do take an interest in what’s happening in our country with regards the Condems as they seem to be on a never ending mission to bankrupt everyone bar their Private school chums and can only be days away from opening up Work Houses for anyone lacking a posh accent.

Which leads me nicely onto something which I would love to see voted in.

National Bitch Slap Day.

National Bitch Slap Day would occur once everyone 6 months, possibly more, and would entail, well, bitch slapping those who have annoyed the hell out of you and made your life just that little bit harder. 

Don’t get me wrong, I would not allow mass public beatings and violence. Oh no. There would be rules set. 

For starters, you would need to apply for a Secret Pre-Bitch Slap licence. You would need to detail what the intended Bitch Slappee had done to you to warrant the slap, which would be approved. 

Then, from 7am to 5pm on National Bitch Slap Day, all licence holders would have to put on one of those foam hands that Miley Cyrus is always licking and rubbing up herself on and go to the home of the slappee.

You would not be allowed to use weapons or add metal or weight to the foam hand. And you can only slap from 2 foot away to the back of the head, with an open, not closed, hand. 

Special permission would also be granted should the intended slappee be nominated by more than 2 individuals to slap them with a large wet fish.

I feel, despite knowing that Elder would probably be granted a licence to slap me that it would restore order to the nation. 

Why do I feel the need for this?

Today has been an utter joke, filled with knobjockey like behavior.

I give you the Craplord, who still hasn’t done what was asked of him by the Environmental Health. He just seems to not care about a possible £400 fine at all. He is still giving us a days notice before sending someone round who clearly has no idea what they are doing and, in the case of the “electrician” (I use the term loosely as he had no paperwork with him to prove such) made the item he was due to fix worse (and after he left I noticed my jewelry box had been rifled through).

Then, we have the GP’s Secretary. 6 weeks ago, I asked the GP to re-refer Littlest to his Consultant. I wanted to get him in asap while its still cold and damp so as, this time, they can keep him overnight for observations, and prove I’m not actually batty and he is a lot worse at night. Thus, they may actually do something other than give us the same, useless, inhalers.

2 weeks ago, said GP asked had we had a letter. No, not from the hospital, at which point he said to wait a couple more weeks as he had personally sent the fax over.

On Monday, I was talking to the GP about Mini and her cough, when he mentioned Wycombe Hospital and had we heard yet, as he would chase it. As I hadn’t, I decided to call them yesterday but the secretary wasn’t there.

I spoke to her today- she’s a gem, and had a good root through the computer for me. They hadn’t had a referral by fax, phone or letter. I tried Wexham, just in case he’d mistakenly thought I wanted to go there again (not a chance), but nope, nothing there either.

On drawing a blank, and thinking this was another case of the secretary buggering up in the same fashion she did for 12 weeks about Littlest’s allergy appointment (as she didn’t know where to send it, and didn’t think to ask anyone at all), I rang the surgery.

Yep, Secretary has messed up again. And apparently, its my fault. 

How she works that out I have no idea, as all I’m guilty of is asking the GP to send a fax or letter to his named Consultant at the named hospital. How awful of me.

First, she tried to say she had looked for the Consultant but he wasn’t there. She said his name wrong, so I corrected her, and told her he did indeed work there as I spoke to his Secretary not half hour before. She then said she had spoken to her herself and been advised to contact Stoke Mandeville hospital. I said, no, that can’t be right as she’d not mentioned that to me at all. I asked why on earth she’d sent the referral to Stoke Mandeville hospital, one he’d never been to at all. Because the GP told her to. 

So, two different versions in under 3 minutes from the same person who I intend to see lose her job this time. Stoke Mandeville, apparently, was contacted because I wanted a referral about his allergies. 

So, clearly, she has finally caught up from 2 years back about the original referral that the practice manager gave her a written warning about and which she organised for the damn useless secretary in the first place. Not much help now though. 
Which means I have to start all over again with the GP.

I also had to phone Stoke Mandeville up as I didn’t want to lose his brilliant Allergy Specialist at Wexham by going on the book of someone else needlessly. 
Except when I rang Stoke Mandeville, they-you guessed it- had never heard of Littlest either, and had never received a letter, fax or carrier pigeon.

I now have to also wait until the Practice Manager gets back from her jollies on Tuesday to say to her to sack the useless old crone who seems to not give a shite for my son at all. 

See, National Bitch Slap Day would mean that rather than me feeling like I’m doing Basil Fawlty impressions, being surrounded by weak link knobs who seem to go out of their way to cause me untold and unnecessary stress, I would be safe in the knowledge that, come the day, I could go and slap the useless Craplord, lying GP and the couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery Secretary.

National Bitch Slap Day.

You know it makes sense. 


Littlest and the (Bloody) Baby Toilet Seat

Blog world, we have a problem.

Littlest, as you know if you’re a regular, is now 5 years old. He is just like your typical boy at that age- sometimes stroppy, into Lego, not fond of doing what he is told (by me) and at the stage when farts are still highly amusing, especially when shared with everyone else. Or planted on his sisters lap.

Considering some of the shit that goes down with his health, he is doing pretty well, meeting his milestones (not that that bothers me, I am of the school of thought that suggests kids do things in their own time and don’t meet some uniform way of doing stuff like some Health Visitors will chew your ear off about). He does OK at school, he still has quite a bit of time off, I would prefer he spoke up a bit more as he manages to answer Year 2 maths at home yet at school they think he’s behind, but, well, not a biggie.

There is one thing though, one thing that is an annoyance point and causes all out tantrums between Littlest, Elder and myself.

A lump of multicoloured, cushioned plastic that he wont let us throw away, and which, if he can’t find (like at 6.23am today) will cause a crying, snot filled meltdown.

His Baby Training Toilet Seat.

He has had this one since he was around 3 and a half. He had another before that but it cracked and went in the bin. Whilst the seat is kept cleaned and germ free, its just so unnecessary.

We managed to remove dummies, bottles and sippy cups. We managed to get rid of nappies pretty easily too. We don’t even have the safety sheet on the bed anymore.

This thing, though, this plastic thing, which, should you be half asleep or dying for the loo and don’t realise is still attached will render you stuck to the loo in need of a shoe horn, we have suggested is the last bastion of his baby age and now, being a big boy, he needs to confine it to history too, is just a no no for Littlest.

He manages to use bathrooms at school with no problem. He goes to his Aunts homes and doesn’t need it there. Our house? Not a chance.

Before you get ideas I have toilets bigger than standard, with seats big enough to render a 5 year old be cast within like the scene from Trainspotting when Ewan McGregor falls in, this is not the case. Its a normal, standard loo, just like anyone elses.

We have tried hiding it. We have tried this several times and refuse to give it to him, with the idea that, as with when a fussy eater wont eat a meal they liked the week before that they will eat when they are hungry, that, eventually he will be so in need of the loo he will just go without it.


He can last hours without going. Its a mystery how. And then, of course, we give in, because I think he is so bloody minded and stubborn that he would just do it in his pants to prove a point. Or end up with a terrible tummy ache and end up needing to see a GP.

Bloody hell.

We never had this with Mini, she was more scared of the trainer seat than the actual one, making the move from potty to loo simple and nearly hassle free.

So, Blog world, what do I do? Let him carry on and hope he gives it up naturally, or bin the thing and face the wrath of Littlest?

Answers below!

11 Questions, Answered By Me (as Posed by Liska)

I haven’t done a meme or similar in ages! If you look at the early days of the blog here (so 2009) I used to get tagged in them almost fortnightly, but then, I suppose it didn’t take too long for my name to come up as there were far less of us then.

I have a spare few minutes, so thought I’d pull up a chair and answer the below as posed by the lovely lady that is Liska at New Mum Online.

1: If you are into soaps, are you a Corrie or Enders girl?

Sadly, I’m neither. I grew up in a Corrie and Enders watching house, and have happy memories of being at my Nan’s watching Emmerdale (with the radio on in the background, and watched via VHS as my Nan used to watch it live when it aired and again in the morning in case she’d missed anything). I did religiously watch Hollyoaks since the beginning, but recently I dip in and out as it’s got a bit daft of late with gangsters and the like. I do watch Enders when Elder’s friend Ian stops over- he does not look the type to watch a soap bless him, but he loves it!

I prefer watching catch up TV of stuff I missed when I was too tired to stay up past 9pm when the Brats were littler. I also love comedy like Midnight Beast and Ja’mie Private School Girl.

2: What’s your Favourite YouTube Video?

I love YouTube for the music you can find on there, although Elder is definitely more into that than me, he finds it far easier to find a tune on there than in his records these days. I love this video, which is of a younger Littlest during his Tulisa phase (he prefers Katy Perry, Perrie from Little Mix and a girl at his school who is his girlfriend more now).

3: If you were to be rescued from a fire and given a fireman’s lift by a celebrity, who would he be?

I doubt my answer will surprise anyone but it would still by Robbie Williams, despite him being hitched. I’d need lifting as well as I’d faint!

4: What is your favourite childhood book?

I loved Enid Blyton- all the Secret Seven, Famous Five, St Clairs and Faraway Tree books. I also loved Milly Moll Mandy. I’ve just got Mini into reading Milly Molly Mandy books, and plan on introducing Enid next. I was always reading as a kid, I had tonnes of books- I think that’s why I have made sure the Brats do as well, as I try and move them away from games consoles and the like. 

5: Are you a Mummy’s or Daddy’s Girl?

Erm, I guess I was a Daddy’s girl in my childhood as we had a lot of things in common. I liked cars, music, and stuff he liked. I don’t talk to him or my Mum now, I do miss my Dad as I remember him when I was a kid. One thing I remember was I had a lump in my breast when I was about 14, and my Dad wasn’t weirded out by girl stuff. He knew I was really scared about it and he bought me a CD in town. We used to go out for drives together a lot. It’s pretty crap that it all went wrong, but I’m as angry with him as he probably is with me. We have our reasons. 

6: Bath or shower?

I’m usually a shower girl, but ours leaks everytime you use it (over an electrical box would you believe), so I’m now a bath girl. I do spend a ridiculous amount of time in the bath though, I read in the bath, I have nice candles, and when its charged I play my mp3 player in there. Its the only time I get a bit of peace so I make the most of it.

7: Have you ever seen or sensed a ghost?

No! I haven’t ever. We used to wind each other up about a ghost at school in the bell tower but it was all rubbish as we just wanted to scare the bejesus out of each other.

8: When do you feel at peace? How? When?

That’s a hard one. I’m quite easily stressed- like at the moment the whole house thing is driving me insane. I will probably/hopefully be at peace when we move and are settled. I bloody hope so though!

9: If I voted for you for PM, what would you change about the UK?

I would definitely change the lack of affordable housing for families. We were told by our local reprehensible Tory council that, should we attempt to apply for Council Housing )of which they have none themselves as they sold it all), we would have to be homeless and dragged through courts by our Craplord first, incurring fees, and then be actually homeless. Then, they would move us to Southall in London. To a B&B which we would have to move from every 6-8 weeks. And, if that’s not bad enough, we’d be expected to drive the kids to school where they currently are, in Maidenhead, every day, which takes well over an hour in the rush hour and would mean them getting up at 5am. If we tried to ask for a temp school place in Southall, straightaway we would be removed from any list in Berkshire as we are “out of the borough” and if we let the kids leave school until settled, we’d be taken to court. Considering some people I know have been in this situation for 3 or more years, its not practical. 

Part of the reason I think a lot of the changes the government is currently making regards social benefits, like the bedroom tax, sanctions, and caps, leaving many destitute, is unfair is that they have to make changes but they are going about it in the wrong order. Cap immigration, remove the Uni fees for British nationals (or shut up moaning about a “lost youth”), build more affordable council housing, and tax the multinational companies like Google first. Then moan. Most people now on benefits are working families who don’t earn a living wage and thus need a top up to get by. I would love to see Smugron live on the average wage he moans about so much. 

Don’t even get me started on the way he treats the disabled either.

10. The youth of today are…..?

….Being let down by a class motivated system where rich kids have every right to a full education and everyone else either has to struggle to pay for it or go without. 

11. What’s your superfood choice?

Is this like healthy food right? I’m rubbish at healthy food. I like salmon. That’s healthy right? 

So, now I have to pick some more questions for the next lot of peeps:

1: If you could have a superpower, what would it be?
2: First kiss- who, where, what did you think of it at the time?
3: Who do you stalk most on Facebook?
4: If you have finished having children, what names would you have used if you’d have had more?
5: What’s your favorite book?
6: Whats your most terrible fashion faux-pas ever?
7: Are you a girly girl?
8: What’s your must watch TV show?
9: If you could be anywhere, right now, with anyone, where would you be and who with?
10: David Cameron is………..? (Finish the sentence)
11: Which Kids TV show should be banished forever? 

I hereby tag:

Emma Mellow Mummy
Susanne Ghostwriter Mummy
Ffion Barenaked Mummy
Kellie Big Fashionista
Kate A Mother Thing
Liz Violet Posy
Emma Crazy With Twins
Emma Not Such a Yummy Mummy
Laura Working Mum Blog
Jada Unique Young Mum
Alice My Life, My Son, My Way

Good luck guys 🙂

Gate Gate The Update

Glad you lot liked the last post, and hello to any of Elder’s mates who also popped over when he commented on his Facebook.

After much hilarity (I’m thinking of printing out the picture, signing it, and auctioning it off for charity), hashtag imagining (Gate Gate was my personal favorite) and changing the lyrics to classic John Lennon songs (“All we are saying, is give gates a chance), we sat back and waited for a response.

But we didn’t get one.

I thought perhaps my first attitude, that Mr Bullock was full of, erm, bullocks was right and that he’d probably needed a lie down and a wet flannel after my email rant.

I then started to think that, actually, he should jolly well reply and be polite enough to say sorry.

Then I was busy doing other things (like prepping for karma bitchslap day with the Craplord and Environmental Health, more about that tomorrow) to give a crap.

I then got a reply today. Clearly, Mr Bullock may be big enough to write a snide letter he hoped we wouldn’t see, but when someone calls him on it, his gob suddenly goes tighter than an arsehole.

He had the nerve, the actual nerve, to complain that we weren’t meant to see the letter. No. It was about us, you understand, but how dare we read it.

Cheek. Serious cheek.

Basically, Bullock-Chops thinks its perfectly acceptable to:

  • Slag us off and threaten legal action over an unlocked and completely necessary gate.
  • Ignore us and not include us in an apparent inter-neighbour gate version of the UN
  • Say we’re in the wrong for reading a letter about us. That wasn’t addressed to anyone
Oh, and he did it via annoying bullet points, the likes of which I’ve not seen since I was at college and my Geography A’Level tutor used to berate our coursework via the medium of red pen bullet points. And he was a self serving arse as well.

He then, rather selflessly, imparted advice about how we have rights about our Craplord. You know, cos being devoid of any rights to discussion regards the gate, a lawsuit and being unintelligent by association of being a lowly renter I clearly am a hick with no brain/sense of what’s right and wrong about housing issues. This from an ignorant self important toad who posts poisonous letters rather than just, say, knocking on our door. About a housing issue.


Oh, and as for Craplord turning the house into flats, how silly of us, as he wont be allowed, there is no precedent (yes there is, there is the precedent of not giving a feck about precedents, the law or anything else).

So I replied.

The point is, we have asked, several times, that Mr Craplord sorts out the fence. He is an ignorant, greedy money grabber, who cares not one iota about anyone on this row of houses just so long as he gets his rent. If our asking, and the other neighbours asking has gotten everyone nowhere, then I doubt your letter- not worth the paper its written on in a legal sense- is suddenly going to make a difference.

We know of our rights, thank you, just because we rent we are not daft, so please, credit me with some intelligence. However, in the current economical and social climate, those rights stand for very little when there is a shortfall of housing in the area and plenty of people willing to put up with the likes of Mr Craplord.

The fact that you justify accusing us of illegally erecting a gate with the attitude that we were never meant to be a party to your letter is a joke and further supports the ignorance displayed towards us in the fact you have never so much as said hello in all the time we have lived here. Do you not think we would like to know when neighbours we previously spoke to without issue and who have not so much as raised an eyebrow regards the gate suddenly take umbrage to it? Do our views count for little as we are not home owners? Please don’t insult me further by trying to suggest you give two shakes for our safety, your letter was written, in your hope secretly, to slag us off regards the gate, I can read and the subtext is very much anger in our direction.

No one has mentioned to us about extensions- which again is ignorant beyond compare when they will also need to access the alleyway via our driveway, putting our vehicle in danger of damage, not to mention noise nuisance and blocking us in. The same neighbours were all too quick to speak to us when they had an issue with a former tenant at …… when they wanted our help to contact our Landlord. Clearly, we have served our purpose and are now not worthy of inclusion in their plans.

With regards the landlord laughably not being allowed to turn our home into flats as there is no precedent, I’d ask if you actually live on our street at all? … is bedsit flats, as was … until the summer. …. is also flats. We have ……….. Care on the corner of ……….. Road (filled with many an unsavoury character), as is a house on the opposite end of the same street. And these are just the ones we are aware of. I doubt very much that Mr Craplord will be concerned with planning permission- after all, the property on …………… Road which backs onto our garden, and who suddenly built a one storey apartment at the bottom of the garden certainly didn’t concern themselves with planning and the offending building is still there. Mr Craplord is no doubt quite hoping that he is able to do the work under the disguise of propping up his crumbling home, and its only down to us having some respect for our immediate neighbours that any of you know about it in advance. That is what you do in a polite society, not waste time with poisonous letters which, quite remarkably you sent via the postal network as opposed to simply speaking directly to us. 
There is a precedent down to the need for homes, however small, in the town, and the fact that next door is multiple occupancy only enforces that. 

You made a situation that could have had our full backing into this by being snide and trying to ignore that we may like to know when we’re being accused of being illegal. Other alleyways on the street also have gates and no one complains. 
You may be a surveyor with letters after your name, but you’re not a solicitor. You have no rights to start slagging us off to a Landlord who we have tried to work with on behalf of the less ignorant (until now) amongst the neighbors.

So, no, your letter is not being handed over. I have bigger worries than a petty argument over a fence, a gate, and perhaps next time rather than try and act like we don’t exist it would do you well to include us

Yeah, so I pretty much think I got my point across. I changed a few things again (I would have loved to refer to our Craplord as Mr Craplord as it would make me pee my pants). 

Meanwhile, our neighbour from the UN Gate Force, who previously never said a word about the gate other than agreeing it was a good idea, obviously saw the original email (he told Elder he did), and came to have a word (I’d imagine he’d also thought “oh bugger”). He apologised for not including us and didn’t know that we hadn’t been meant to see the offending letter from Chief Bullock.  And fair play to him.

I await to see if Big Bullocks gets back to us again, if he does sue I have a 20p ready for him. 

Beam me up to Folkestone, I will live in a hut frankly.